There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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