Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
