remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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