The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
