I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
