I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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