we're chasing vodka with high fives
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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