Redeem this text for a blowjob
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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