wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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