i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
