So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
