also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
