I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
