if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
