College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
