2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
