It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
