Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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