You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
