i think my tv is drunk
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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