I just found a bag of teeth...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
