you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Farmville is her only friend.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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