you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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