I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
