the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
