I'm pants shitting drunk right now
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
