You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
