evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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