Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.