shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
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I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
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drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.