I hate your face
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
40s are totally the cure
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
