i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My balls are so social today.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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