Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
