note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Lo siento on account of my penis...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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