end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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