The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
