Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
