Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
