If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
