You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
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This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
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The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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