so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
