that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
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Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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