That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
