I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
