just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
