The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
