I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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