i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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