I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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