Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
