I seem to have left my pride at pride
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
