I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
wanna go halves on a baby?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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