I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
