i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Two words: blizzard sex
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
