Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
