I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
