if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
