I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
