Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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