You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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