I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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